It’s been a long time, and I have some gaps to fill. Do you remember that I had a problem with Big Tooth and her father? Well, it’s only gone and got worse since, hasn’t it?
Towards the end of October last year, I was sued by Richard Osman, Philip Schofield, Dog’s Bowl Beer, and several other people.
Everybody knows that no one has done more than me to ruin the writing career of wannabee BBC everyman, milquetoast, Richard Osman – but it was only when I climbed up the ladder to shove a pie in his face that he decided to come after me. He was not offended – he knew he had it coming, it is an “advisor advised sue”. Their whole case based on the fact that my act had not been covered in the contract. He is now saying that we humiliated him. I say his books make a better of that than we ever could.
Same with Schofield, who was upset because I mocked his book, you know, the one that started, “Coke”? Precious dick. If you’re as stupid as he is and you don’t like criticism, they don’t write books. Simple!
Dog’s Bowl on the other hand, was the author of its own misfortunes. You may have seen it in the news. It was discovered that the Chief Executive, once he had tasted success, suddenly became an entitled bigot, who believed that it was his unique set of attributes alone that had brought success to the company. Does success-fascism sound familiar to you too? History, it is said, is written by the victors. Not so, it is written by the narcissists, who count every minor success as an endorsement of their choices. And like all those who had gone before him, he built a cage to house his victims. Real every(wo)men, Richard, whose stomach turned over when the alarm clock went off, every morning.
Unfortunately, this episode coincided with my advertising campaign – you know, the one where we pretended that our staff were expert football pundits at the European Championships, when they were anything but. We deliberately chose people who could distinguish contestants on Love Island from residents of Made in Chelsea, but did not know the difference between football and rugby. The results, if I say it myself, were every bit as good as Big Tooth’s delusional insights, and sometimes hilarious.
Obviously, now, they feel that they have been humiliated, and had their good natures abused. And this part of the expensive settlement, it seems, is down to me. Which would not have been so bad had I been an employee.; less good as an independent contractor (no wonder, the bright-white, easy-to-clean exterior of the UK economy is going down the drain). That was bad enough, but, in the middle of it all, the CEO declared all these valuable members of staff, “cry-babies”, and “twelve-year-old adults”. Our two problems became conflated, and I in the soup on my own, as an individual, as he is, corporately as Dog’s Bowl Inc.
In a hurry to find a quick solution, I did the only thing you could do, I gave all my money my money to Eggo with the instruction to “to sell the market,” then ran away to Africa.
Dickie White's Diary 