Have you seen that Bill Nighy film, Living, about working in the Greater London Council offices in the 1950s – where pin-striped, bowler-hatted, serious-looking men, constantly exchange chits of paper with each other to no ultimate purpose? None of it meant as an ironic re-creation of Little Dorrit’s circumlocution office – just a straight up picture of life as it was then, without embellishment.
There’s a whiff of attitude in the lot of them, from the lowliest clerk, to the top of the organisation. A collective stink of male self-rectitude. The sort of thing that lingers still at the FA Headquarters. A place into which, no advice is ever invited; for who could know better than them what they are trying to achieve? A place where decisions are made to drop the VAR-bomb on the game without first considering how such a sudden and violent change to the established order might wreak havoc on that which they claim to hold dear.
A PR adviser might have counselled baby-steps. If you want to persuade your partner to switch to eating Quorn, begin by adding ground up mice to their meals. And so it is with the abomination that is VAR. If you are to delegate important decisions to a third party with an authority complex, first have them do something which the audience will welcome. What fan has not wanted to throw the television out of the window when his team needs a late goal and one of the opposition players is pretending to be mortally injured? Or the goalie, ponders for minutes on end before taking a goal kick, or the thrower-in, or those moments down near the corner flag? So why not start with an independent time-keeper?
Every time a player goes down on the floor and causes play to be stopped, stop the clock. Re-start it when play resumes. Just do that. Who’d disagree? Then you’ve established the principle of someone who is not the referee, controlling an element of the game that is assumed to be a nuts-and-bolts, objective and perfunctory task that anyone can do. Establish that, then go to the next stage.
Persuade them to follow this advice and there’s an easy, next stage, win to be had. Grounds are now fully electronically equipped: advertising boards are an ever-changing digital display; the scoreboard has a digital clock counting down the game in seconds; it can replay goals (and VAR incidents) as soon as they happen; PA systems work, and can be heard. Yet, despite this, when a substitution needs to be made, the manager tells one of his assistants, who reports it to the fourth official, who makes a note of it, and then gets out his 80s-tech LED scoreboard made out of Lego, then keys in the number of the player going on, and the number of the player going off, then holds it up, until the referee notices. Then, if there is to be another substitution, he does it all over again. If three subs are all to go on at once, he will go through this process for each one, insisting that he matches the exact player coming off, against the exact number going on. It is not enough to say, 17, 23 and 32 are replacing 14, 16 and 25. No, that wouldn’t be correct. 17 must be matched to 14; that transaction must be completed, before 23 can then be matched to 16, and so on. Then, try watching this when your team is throwing everything at the opposition with five minutes to play – stay patient while the fourth official get his numbers mixed up, and resets the board, or forgets and checks again with the assistant who exactly it is going on for whom. The spectacle is pathetic – like waiting for your gran while she puts on lottery tickets for her neighbours.
Fans would welcome a new system. Something like: the manager says, ’17, 23 and 32 are going on. 14, 16 and 25 are coming off,’ whereupon it’s displayed on the main scoreboard which everyone can see. Then at the next break in play, they go on and come off, the PA announces it, and the time-keeper stops the clock ‘til it’s done.
Now, we are beginning to create a game in which the fans applaud off-the-pitch technological advances. They save time, and they improve the game. There’s no issue of interpretation.
Bank those small victories, then jump a level. Don’t go straight to VAR. Make another small rule change that everyone will welcome. Say, for example, that players from the same side may not stand within ten yards of the corner kick taker in the last fifteen minutes of the match. That way, you can’t do those clock-running down manoeuvres that happen so often towards the end of important matches. It’s currently within the rules, but it’s as much part of the game as bowling underarm to prevent batters scoring in cricket matches.
As compensation for the rule change – make two concessions. Make that funny little quadrant arc twice the size, to give the taker more options – there’s hardly any room for a run-up anyway, and you’ll also stop those pedantic debates with the lino about whether part of the ball is in no-parallax with the line underneath it. And in the same vein, remove the corner flags. They are a fucking nuisance and get in the way.
Then, next, do the same for free kicks too, and if anyone transgresses the new rules late into the game with the intention of running down the clock, make them stand in a wall, and allow the team who have been wronged to throw the now redundant corner flags, pointy-end first, at them from the distance to which they encroached. Or, alternatively, smash an old substitute’s board over the back of their heads.
Dickie White's Diary 
You peeple rite, you don respect nuffink. Football rite its got heritidge . look what Nolesy done in Holland – that don cumm outa thin air, it cumms from beleve and loyalty. When alan devenshar playd at the Park rite, he had a nice Rover, and a share in a factory over at Forest Gate. An he alwas had a nice sout or farras and sprots jackit. If you asking me its why you gett retards like Dionn Dublin on the telly, and look whats that led to – that Alicks scott aint fit to read the wevver report and rilans is every where. I even see him down are newsadgens the other morny.
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In my village we no court house. Go down hall and have a fight instead. Rules though – got to stand an take punishment – like a shoe chucked at your head. But worse, that’s why laufhing. When aunty’s carpet got stolen, we all down there – but them side got tough man. Scary, not really our village. Live in hole by river actually. Always making us say things we didn’t want. Usual thing, he close right eye and look at you mean. Your mouth start speaking even if you don’t want to. This day he close left and look even meaner. Everyone scared and we were ones who had carpet nicked! Then he close both eyes and look at you even stronger. All of us can’t to speak even. That bad, one cousin lie on floor and starts weeing in pants – not even cousin who belong aunty, the other won who stole a TV off him butcher.
One of uncles arrive late so he not in fight pit with rest of us. Not really uncle either he just brew whiskey in his lawn mower shop. He sneak out back then come back in with axe and cut his head off. All that not so bad. Things happen in that place you just accept it. But head roll on floor when boy with wet pants just get up. Instinct make him kick it, like when you see tin of coca cola lying on pavement. Head flies back to uncle and he can’t help it nither. Nods head into waste paper bucket. Then goes round dancing like Roger Milla. I,m surprise they don’t get that corner flag off uncle and put his head on it LOL.
PS Sad thing about it, carpet not nicked – he took it off line to make clean it better with his good stick. Even worse, had to go and get it to roll him up in it to take him home before properly clean. Not funny really but head kept falling out looking all vex that he have to lie on road. Then we wash head and carpet in river. Put stick down body then slide head on top of that. That’s probably why I think of it really. Keep up the good work for world football community.
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