Simply reorganise these notes into your own article on loss trauma, regret, anxiety, fault, guilt, and responsibility for these things. I would only make a mess of it.
I love how you say that the two most powerful men on the planet are so easily triggered. And I LOVE that self-knowledge of their UGLINESS, and mortal fear to concede baldness plays into that!
PS, I am also toxically, mentally ill. And yet I still think everyone who’s a success and happy, are shallow, unthinking, and to be pitied, or despised.
I get that. The connections between reluctance and procrastination, and a damaged psyche – and whether that damage was caused by a toxic relationship, or trauma, or somehow self-induced, or that you live in a body with a predisposition for such things?
This thing, that you are, that isn’t quite the thing you’re supposed to be. The thing at your centre – the inner child, frozen in time; the want of approval that wasn’t given at the right time; being treated as a junior adult who wasn’t paying his way, instead of the child you were; the big hole at your centre that needs filling, but the moment to fill it has passed, and so you spend a lifetime, topping it up with froth to crave the longing, but which never lasts or builds.
Is it that you’re born with that sense of who you ought to be, or have those islands of nuture and succour that you occasionally encountered, given you that? And if they did, why did not their care counter all that was wrong with the other relationships you had? Was your inability to build on the good, and learn only the bad, all about you? Were you made too deferential to do otherwise?
I love (and hate) the endless circularity of this internal argument. And I agree, it would take a writer like Joyce to unravel it, and re-present it in a way that made sense to us. Good luck though, I still think you should try.
Dickie White's Diary 
I love how you say that the two most powerful men on the planet are so easily triggered. And I LOVE that self-knowledge of their UGLINESS, and mortal fear to concede baldness plays into that!
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PS, I am also toxically, mentally ill. And yet I still think everyone who’s a success and happy, are shallow, unthinking, and to be pitied, or despised.
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I get that. The connections between reluctance and procrastination, and a damaged psyche – and whether that damage was caused by a toxic relationship, or trauma, or somehow self-induced, or that you live in a body with a predisposition for such things?
This thing, that you are, that isn’t quite the thing you’re supposed to be. The thing at your centre – the inner child, frozen in time; the want of approval that wasn’t given at the right time; being treated as a junior adult who wasn’t paying his way, instead of the child you were; the big hole at your centre that needs filling, but the moment to fill it has passed, and so you spend a lifetime, topping it up with froth to crave the longing, but which never lasts or builds.
Is it that you’re born with that sense of who you ought to be, or have those islands of nuture and succour that you occasionally encountered, given you that? And if they did, why did not their care counter all that was wrong with the other relationships you had? Was your inability to build on the good, and learn only the bad, all about you? Were you made too deferential to do otherwise?
I love (and hate) the endless circularity of this internal argument. And I agree, it would take a writer like Joyce to unravel it, and re-present it in a way that made sense to us. Good luck though, I still think you should try.
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