I need to say a word about the infringement of me human rights that I have endured since moving back in with the parents, which I will render by dint of reciting a couple of mother’s recipes.
Take frying pan from special shelf in the pantry. If it does not have a good inch of set white fat in it, add half a bar of lard. Turn hob to maximum and set pan on heat until the contents of the pan are boiling.
Add back bacon, without removing rind, wait until bacon curls into tight balls, and remove from the pan when some of the fat and rind is charred but most of it is still raw/white.
Add quartered tomatoes then eggs to the boiling fat. Flick the boiling fat on to the eggs as you cook, and when they are crispy round the edges, pock marked, and covered in black specs from previous breakfasts, remove with a fish slice taking care to bring with them a good splash of delicious liquid fat.
Add thin slices of processed white bread to pan. Dunk well to make sure that both sides are cooked evenly, then remove from the pan when the bread starts to curl, taking care to do so before it becomes too crisp to retain lard. Once you are sure that the tomatoes have absorbed sufficient lard too, remove with the fish slice and serve.
Place minced meat into a large saucepan, cover with water and boil on the highest heat until the mince has turned a pale grey.
Add colour back in by stirring two teaspoons of Bisto into the mix. Once the brown colour has been regained, roughly chop large carrots and an onion into the pan. For the onion, do not dice. Cut it into halves and from there simply slice from pole to pole to leave it in long leaves. Add more water if required and get the whole lot going under a vigorous boil again. Add a good handful of pepper and salt to the mixture.
Peel then boil potatoes for about half an hour, under a high heat. Drain them, then add half a tub of margarine and half a pint of milk. Mash, or stir them, until an off white paste is achieved.
Put the mince mixture into a casserole dish, let stand for twenty minutes then pour the potato puree on top. If it sinks into the mince, make a note about stiffing the mince up better next time with more Bisto. Grate cheese over the top to make it look like it’s supposed to, then cook on a maximum oven for an hour or so, or even longer if you’re watching soap operas.