July 21st – Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes.

Cleaned myself: 0
Monkey see, monkey do: chance would be a fine thing.
Tics: Please God forgive me.
Believe in God? What does she care about me?
YTLH: temporarily suspended.

If the story of my life has been one of accumulating disappointments upon failures, then it reached its apotheosis last night. I have no interest in talking about sexuality, or its politics, other than to say that we are all free to love whomsoever we wish, animal, vegetable or mineral, but as I pumped away, searching for friction with my bedmate lying on her side beneath me, I could not get past the point that she was the very opposite of that which I desired. Her access points to me seemed that they had been created by a surgeon rather than evolved; the act, less sexual than medical; the organ so loose, slimy and large, that for a good half hour of the ordeal, the only thought I could bring to mind was that of a cow being seen to by a vet with one of those shoulder length plastic gloves. Then later in the piece, fixated on the big tooth as it gripped her bottom lip in blissful ecstasy, desperate for it to be over, I tried to pull out my focus to see the feminine in her but the image wouldn’t come. Only that of an overgrown teenage boy; the same gawky, slightly gormless, Nordic beanpole, who had tried so hard to get to be my mate, and to whom I gave in because I felt sorry for them. Jesus, she was bad enough when she was a boy.

Salmagundi, born on Monday.

I have started to examine my motivations, and I do not come out of this well. They are: i) an act of extreme selfishness to keep my job; ii) and this is my favourite, an inability to say no. Especially knowing that passive indifference would probably lead to my keeping the job; iii) curiosity; iv) profound laziness.

We’re on the way back now – she came down by train. She’s wearing a crocheted cloche hat. It makes her look yet more bovine but it does give a clue to her gender, even though she is also wearing her favourite Arsenal shirt. Why did she wait until now to do that?

Somehow though, I seem happy. I suppose when you’ve fallen all this way up, you’ve got a good chance of climbing back down again.

thanks to Leo Aus dem Wunderland, for the image