30th August – Are you happy are you sad? Feeling good or feeling bad?

Cleaned myself: those days are behind me
Monkey see, monkey do: busy busy busy
Tics: none noticed, but then, I haven’t been out much
Believe in God? Get out
YTLH: Need to improve teeth

It seems that I’m still on the payroll, though whether that is a form of nepotistic compensation for taking on the project of the Nordic beanpole, it is hard to tell. I’ve had a few conversations with Roger recently, but they have exclusively concerned another topic that has become close to his heart. After the funeral he seemed suddenly struck by an uncharacteristic sympathy for the bereaved, and ever since he has been going on about, and I quote, ‘a bounce back event.’ Chances are, he overheard someone referencing his callous indifference towards fellow beings, and wants to do something to pretend that they were misinformed. His idea: to host an It’s a Knockout style event ‘for the community’. Fortunately, I remembered one of my jokes and I told him, ‘community is a word that they use to make arseholes feel normal.’ More fortunately still, he forgot to ask who they are. Let’s be honest, he is flawed. I’m not saying that I’m a better person than him, but I am, aren’t I? He is a witless, ignorant prick. I am not. He is a millionaire (multi). I am not. That does not mean that I make for an unworthy second to him – it means that his gross ignorance and inability to be shamed, facilitates success on superficial terms. For example, when was the last time he shit the bed and could see the progress in it? Plus, I have a greater understanding of the liberal arts.

Ditto his daughter. Let’s face it I am not attracted to her. I relate to her as a playmate (and only then when she was male). I am going to play with her for as long as it suits me, and before long she will realise that I am not what romantic partners are made from and will drift away. Part of the playing will be to recruit her to my side of the bounce back event. I am proposing an Am Dram spectacular to run through Advent. I will be able to give vent to CV enhancing creativity. Big Tooth will facilitate funds to make it work. I will give Roger a humiliating sacking and tell him that he lacks empathy in such massive doses that he is ill equipped to judge his relationship with the general public. I see now that he really only relates to a brutal, unkind and judgmental counterparties.

WIP to date – I haven’t formally presented the idea to Big Tooth yet – I am going for a nativity/biblical tale with a twist, tracing the course of all of the human disasters of our generation. I’ll start with Mad Cows Disease, then move on through Global Warming and Foot & Mouth to end up with Covid, drawing in a neat parallel to Noah and the flood, and posing the question: are we ready for a new (or the first) Messiah?

Take this well-known tune from Blossom Dearie, and substitute the following lyrics – NB, to get a real feel for it, imagine it as a spectacular Busby Berkeley opening number.

Verse 1
Bovine spongiform, encephalitis,
for my tea
Bovine spongiform,
let’s just call it BSE.

They took the spine from my old man,
And put it in the frying pan.

(Are you steady on your pins?)
(Eaten too much meat from tins?)

Verse 2
Bovine spongiform, encephalitis,
just for me
I would rather have,
a needle full of HIV.

But like Creutzfeldt Jakob did say,
You’re gonna get it anyway.

Bovine de, de, de de derr der
Spongy … let’s just call it BSE.

The star crouches on one knee, arms outspread at the front of stage. Curtain closes leaving just the star of the show visible, the chorus out of sight behind it. Narrator, dressed as a lizard, but speaking as Bob Hope enters stage left. A pantomime cow wobbles, loose-limbed from stage right across the stage and exits stage left. The star looks alarmed, and runs in the opposite direction.

Lizard Bob Hope begins narration: ‘Apocalypse? Now, there’s plenty of time for that my friends, for this is but a small beginning to the chain of events that would take our flat, rectangular planet to the very edge of its existence …’

What do you think?