Girl: 4-4-2, 4-3-3 or 5-2-3?
Johnson: What I say to you is why not have 4-4-4? We are England.
Girl: who is your favourite player?
Johnson: whereas Luke Shaw is good going forward and going backwards, good on the ball and good off the ball, Maguire is good going forwards and going backwards, and he is good on the ball, but is he good off the ball? That is the question we all want answering. I’d say until we know what the science says, that Maguire is 25% poorer than Shaw.
Girl: I like Sterling.
Johnson: Sterling is good at finding pockets of space, whereas Shaw does not know how to find a pocket of space. Sterling is at least 10% better than Shaw in that regard, and thus 35% better than Maguire.
Girl: So, you like him too?
Johnson: Let me be clear with you. As your Prime Minister I must strive for the very best standards for everyone. If we take Sterling or Greenish, as the standard, you need not be advanced at maths to see that Shaw is at least 10% behind the required standard, Maguire 35%. Taking these deficiencies across the board, the science is telling us that we have a team working at no more than 70% capacity. A 30% waste!
Girl: So, you think we’ll lose?
Johnson: I am prepared to legislate to provide England with a system of 4-4-4. The final is taking place in England, where our laws prevail. No hear me out. And, and, and, and, and, no hear me o.. and, and … immediately, by this … err, positive intervention, this stroke of the draughtsman pen, I will increase our efficiency by 20% and vanquish forever this appalling waste.
Girl: what do you think the score will be?
Johnson: This government has made great strides in creating a level playing field against what were frankly, our dishonest friends and neighbours. We have level, level, level, levelled up, levelled up, all over the place, and it starts now, because some people can’t see that we’ve already started, so it starts again now. As you know, Italy will be lying down like the dogs they are from the first moment in a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, frankly nauseating attempt to force the match into stalemate and draw from the first minute. Well, I ask you, I err, frankly, put it to you, could they, could they, could they in fact do that, if they had no substitutes to bring on? The answer to that my friends, is no, they could not. Penalties may suit them, but the only penalty they’ll be getting is from this government to sending them packing with their idle, cheating, foreign ways. So, we will be acting this evening, this very evening, to draw up emergency legislation to prevent Italy using a single substitute in the game, so that we can head them off at the bridge, and frankly, err, prevent them from cheating us out of what is rightly ours, namely that it’s at Wembley, and that is our home, and the place which the song instructs our European friends is the place to which we will bring it home.
Girl: Am I your new wife?
Johnson: You very well may be.