19th July – I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.

What with the sun coming too close to the earth lately, and making us all too pretty hot, I am reminded of two scientific treatises which speak to this very issue: one mine; the other my father’s. And to make it clear at the outset, I am using the word scientific in its true sense – absolute fucking bullshit, peddled by liars.

Get this for the first. Young Dickie, shows willing and asks, ‘Papa, how come it’s cold in winter and warm in summer?’ 

I’d say it was about eight inch wide, by about six.

Papa, sois-disant underachieving manager in engineering company, yes, an actual scientist with a name badge and all that, looks at first born from above a lowered newspaper with a long contemptuous stare, then chooses not to roll his eyes for a change, and deigns to offer an answer, ‘You see, most people think the earth goes round the sun in a perfect circle. They’re wrong. It’s an ellipse. Therefore, sometimes the earth is a long way from the sun, sometimes it’s closer.’

Yeah, I know. But that’s not the interesting part of the story.

Wind on a few years, sometime after Dickie has come to accept the story as scientific fact and taken it out in the world with him – used it to educate friends and teachers in fact, and is now in the alma pater and thinks, or has it pointed out to him, ‘Hold on, so when we’re having winter here, Australia is having its summer, right? The Australian summers are not renowned for being colder than ours, are they? I think you’ll find that English summers might occur at the apogee and Australian, the perihelion, old chap.”

Suddenly, daddy’s solar theory does not stand up. So Dickie, who back then was still thrusting and ambitious, not so much brave but honest, as he’s been trained to be, takes the observation home. Not only does father respond with flat denial that he ever said such words in the first place, he also seems to be very angry that he is not allowed to win his point about the earth orbiting in an ellipse.

‘But daddy, how am I going to resolve the contradictions of life if you won’t unravel this simple conundrum for me?’

Answer: ‘a) I win every argument I’m ever in, particularly with you, my main competitor; and b) life is complicated son.’

More importantly it establishes the following as SCIENTIFIC FACT, and I make these points now as a Geography (Prince of the Humanities) laureate, so you may know that it must be true.

  1. What greater proof of a one-eyed self-absorbed narcissist can there ever be than that: they believe that when it is hot here, the sun must be closest to the earth. The rest of the world can go hang.
    – I could have retired victorious there and then, aged eight, intellectual vanquisher of my keenest opponent, and shed my anchor.
  2. Secondly, what lazy-arsed incurious pricks were allowed to become scientists back in the day. They’d have anyone.
  3. Thirdly, what dangerous malevolence this band of idiots must have disseminated throughout the world since those days. And yes, I am particularly talking about bigoted physics teachers when I say this.
  4. There is proof, if ever it were needed, that wearing tweed jackets does not make you “normal”. That is a term they have co-opted to alienate normal people.
  5. That I lack intellect. Anyone who was so blessed would have seen through and challenged the solar orbit theory when first presented with it. Well, what do you expect? I am the son of a scientist.
If I’m not mistaken, I’m right, again.

Moving on to my own. Well, it’s as good as anything they’ve ever come up with. Imagine our sun, in our solar system, to be the nucleus of an atom. The planets including ours are electrons circling the nucleus. All that stuff going on inside the sun, the nuclear reactions and everything, are all that quark and Higgs Bosun and God particle business that even they can’t understand properly. Everything we know as the solar system is but a single atom inside a single, much larger, organism. Our body is made up of countless solar systems. And we are but a tiny part of an atom in another body, or a tree or a plant; and that body, or tree, whatever, is living inside a solar system, and is in turn but a miniscule aspect of it, and yet that solar system is no more than an atom in another living organism in another solar system. The beauty of this theory is that it not only explains how God and science mix together, but also why the scientists will never get to the bottom of anything, because what they’re essentially doing is looking into an eternity of vanishing mirrors which will never reach zero. When the sun dies, the host body gets cancer. Obvious.

That will be a yearly stipend and a handsome pension, please.

Oh, and a clothing allowance.