12th Sept – A lassie took me to a ball, And it was slippery in the hall, I was afraid that I would fall, ‘Cause I didn’t have on my troosers.

Cleaned myself: 0
Monkey see, monkey do: 0
Tics: slight reversion to Please God forgive me
Believe in God? who knows?
YTLH: 3 in progress.

Teeth. The white hard shining armour of protection, enamel, can get worn down by eating and drinking (and filing, acid, the action of sandpaper & self-medication), and when that wears away, the under layer, which happens to be yellow, starts to show through. Now here’s the dilemma, am I showing yellowy-brown because I have scrubbed off the enamel, or because I haven’t yet dissolved the clinkers of plaque? I currently favour the latter and I’ve gone in for one more You-Tube clean up, heedless of the comments underneath the video.

I must keep up appearances, for Big Tooth is determined that we venture out. She doesn’t seem to realise that the current situation renders such things unconducive. Though I believe she suspects, as do I, that there is more to it than just that. Mmmh.

Put your new slacks on, I’m gonna take you some place nice.

She wants to go dancing, whereas I would prefer that we settle for the cinema – Stephen Tenet’s Nolan actually. I will resist by constructing an argument based on social distancing, even though it’s the origins of girl power that compels me.

Teeth of all varieties aside, I am thinner thanks to my gastro-entrail issues; and with me Covid haircut, YouTube teeth, and new found litheness thanks to a recently adopted turmeric based diet, I feel that I can present to the public in a better state than that in which I went into lockdown. In fact, I can’t wait to get into rehearsals for the pageant. BTW we must advertise for auditions soon, and if I am to write, direct, produce and star, it will be important that I outrank the rest of the cast in every particular. Much like wee Kenneth Branagh – which reminds me, I must acquire some khaki pants (and perhaps a beard).

As we leave the shed, I see for the first time that she, or mother, has delivered a pile of special flannels that sit next to my sink-o-let, with a little bar of expensive soap, still wrapped, sat on top. And also, my pyjamas, which I’d left hanging over the far truss. I realise that they have been in Big Tooth’s eye-line as she looked out of the window for the entire two hours that we have been playing Soccerama. As we leave, I breath a sigh of relief that I had already explained about turmeric and its staining properties, and just hope that she remembers without being prompted.